Humorous advice for student negative professorships (opinion)

No one in the academy admits to checking RateMyProfessors, but we all do it secretly at night on our smartphones.

I read my reviews and I can quote some lines literally, the way I remembered poetry in elementary school. My personal favorite is a teasing comment from a student: “Does she like to teach at all? One student wrote that I was a great professor because I didn’t care if people came late to my class, which amazes me that I was so badly read. One review stated directly: “Buyers beware. Her moods seem to fluctuate. “(I quite like that.) Another student wrote that I” go out of my way “to help students, which I find – frankly – fantastic. And now I will.

But here’s the deal: negative reviews frustrate me, not because it’s an attack on my teachings or an injury to my feelings. My real problem is that they just aren’t well written. As a teacher, I feel compelled – even at this point, after the semester – to “go astray” and give some advice to those students who are considering writing a negative review.

So for my students, here is the section (because you always ask).

RATING SECTION FOR “Your Negative MyProfessors Review”

Your review will be judged according to the following standards.

The author has a clear purpose (value 10 points).

RateMyProfessors tells you directly, “The fate of future students is in your hands.” You have been on the battlefield and have returned alive, and your job is to persuade the rest of the troops to march or retreat. All your comments should focus on this goal. In a negative review, you must ensure that no student voluntarily enrolls in this professor’s class. Stick to this goal – forget it.

You only have 350 characters in your review, so make clear comments right at the beginning, such as DO NOT TAKE THIS PROFESSOR! (Hats will express authority.) Or “If you are in this class, throw it away now! Don’t wait – let it go! ”The sense of urgency can be convincing.

The writer successfully hides his identity (value 10 points).

Why write a negative review that reveals your identity? What if you have to give the professor’s lecture again, especially considering that you didn’t do so well the first time? (No, your D won’t transfer to a state university, so guess what? You’re back in my class.) Keep your identity a secret. Think carefully about the way you speak or write: Do you repeat certain phrases? “She lacks empathy.” Remember that you wrote in your article on whaling that “the empathy of whalers is lacking”? Don’t you remember? I do.

In this spirit, don’t mention anything out of the ordinary that happened to that professor. “Prof is completely unfair – he accused me of plagiarism on my Virginia Woolf paper.” It’s not my fault that I still think “borrowing text” from Sparknotes.com is plagiarism: don’t forget I’m old. But don’t you see how this series betrayed you? Because I didn’t catch anyone else using a website designed for high school students.

The writer makes sure to mention something tumultuous about the professor who has nothing to do with his teaching (worth 10 points).

Does your professor dress like a cougar? Or vagabond? Or like your grandfather? That’s why they don’t understand your writing: you’re dressed in the Hollister Autumn Line, your feet are crammed into Ugg’s boots, and your professor looks like he’s shopping at Goodwill. Mention it. “The professor dresses like a weirdo – what about those blazers?” The shoulder pads are from the 1990s. “(Actually, they’re from the ’80s.)” Hello, they called from the’ 70s and they want their Birkenstocks back. “

RateMyProfessors advises you to “stick to the profession” in its list of tips, but you can still come up with something like “The teacher is crazy who talks about Jane Austen EVERY CLASS.” Leave her alone – don’t feel bad. She let you down! You!

The writer will thoroughly check all previous RateMyProfessors posts and successfully refute the positive ones (worth 15 points).

Do your research. Your goal is to paint an absolutely horrible portrait of this professor, so make sure no one has made a claim that nothing could affect an unsuspecting freshman. For example: “I don’t know what everyone is talking about. She’s the worst. I sent her an e-mail four times on Saturday night, and she still didn’t call me on Monday morning. “Or how about this:” I don’t know why everyone says he’s fair. NOT TRUE! He even refused to accept my paper! How was I supposed to know it had to be written? ”Reviewing all previous posts may take a while, but it will be worth it.

The writer will ensure that, after convincing his friends to write negatively about this professor, that everyone will write on different dates (value 5 points).

Your friends have never had my class, but they are loyal. Make sure you use their enthusiasm strategically. Nothing will give you more than 10 negative reviews published on the same day as you, which may also be one day after the marks are published. Offer your friends a timeline. “Carrington, you post on Monday, and then Bryce, you wait until Thursday.” Do I have it? ”Take care of the situation and make a plan.

Also, make sure that they do not repeat the same complaints – change them slightly. If everyone uses the same wording as in “The professor has a little attitude”, it means that all 10 reviews had the same author. Not everyone uses the phrase “a little attitude” – see? (For information on keeping your identity secret, see section 2.)

The writer successfully pretends to be very interested in the class (value 20 points).

That is crucial. Nothing says bad teaching more than a teacher who completely destroyed and destroyed the student’s real enthusiasm for the course. “I was so excited to attend this class because I love reading Shakespeare. But this professor destroyed me forever for English lit. I swear I suffer from PTSD now when I open any book. ”Just don’t take it too far or you’ll betray yourself. No one will believe that you were excited about English 101 or Intro to Physics.

The author successfully and regularly uses slang and emoticons to express ideas, which can also be better expressed in real words (value 5 points).

Show that you know and understand your audience. “UGH !!!! He’s terrible !!!!!! FrownFrownFrown

The writer reveals the information selectively (value 5 points).

Mention a few times that the professor didn’t help you. “So useless! She doesn’t even care about her students, and she wants us all to fail. ”Don’t mention that you only went to class every other week, so when you asked the professor for help in the final week, she didn’t know who you were.

The author clarifies that no student in this class can actually achieve A (value 10 points).

It’s true, isn’t it? You didn’t do a survey or anything, but no one sitting in the back row with you got an A, so I’m sure the pro doesn’t give them away. The guy with the glasses sitting in the front wearing the Old Navy probably did, but he’s a geek anyway. He’s wearing an Old Navy.

The writer proposes that the professor retire (worth 10 points).

It really turns them on.

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